Remember

So this is what looking back feels like,
wondering if home is still a kiss
-an embrace,
because you’ve forgotten how to count blessings,
how to shelf them  for days when you need reminding,
but today is different
today you need a welcoming,
something stained in chocolate,
bristled in aftershave
that feels like forever until it isn’t,
until they’re sketches of a dream.
So this is what looking back is,
the wood beneath your fingers,
kissing roses,
weeping on graves,
and promising to never ever forget.

 

 

 

For the Loved

Beloved,
forever is a moonstruck notion in the wake of dawn,
 a sentiment after dinner and flowers and gifts,love-passion-kiss-shadow-photo-70160
my heart kisses the idea that
when my self and soul are fading
you’ll be here,
cradling each one like diamonds pawned off to God.
Heart,
remember there’s only been you coming or going,
in the fashion of a bird’s flight or cupid’s bows,
my sole infatuation at valentine,
or any other day
when we are dancing with candles and roses after passion.

After Heart.

From the moment. I stepped on the street, my heart started to beat a little faster. I knew where I was going,I had been there before. After several steps, I realized the taste in my mouth was back. Since I was told of Gwen’s death, the proverbial bitter taste has stuck with me. I remember this road all too well. Now if I could stop sweating and just breathe, I’ll get there sooner… breathe obii, breathe -but I’m just not ready.

gwen copy

The black gate seems heavier then usual as I push to walk in. Vanessa is sitting right in front and she recognizes me. “you’re her friend from RUN” it’s more of a statement than a question,the way she says it. Vanessa… I squeeze her shoulder… How are you doing?

 

“I’m okay, I’m okay. come- wow, thanks for coming”, what?

I shake my head refusing to accept what she is giving.

“Come, my Dad is here…”

We walk to a group of men and I finally meet him, the man I spoke to mostly during my first year and during my graduation. He had a small smile for me. I touched his leg and went on my knees.

“Daddy I’m so sorry”

He holds my hand, “you have to accept God’s will. It’s God’s will”.  The statement does not burn as much has how he says it. Gwen’s dad has accepted God’s will… but I can’t I? Why won’t I?

Just take heart, he says again… It is God’s will.

I look into his eyes and think I am finally going to cry… This is it. However, it doesn’t happen.

Come sign the register. Her sister calls to me, so I get off my knees and Gwen’s headshot is staring at me in a Queen’s College uniform. Full regalia like the day we did back-to-school in year one. I remember the picture we took together and almost lose it.

Obii breathe… So I open my mouth again, my nose is not as keen. I sign the register and leave no comment.

There’s just a handful of people when we walk inside. Vanessa is talking to me but i hear nothing, my ears are ringing. We climb the stairs. Gwen’s mom is sitting in the midst of some women. I greet all of them, again I kneel. I am holding her hand but she is squeezing mine, so I squeeze back because I need to, because i understand.

“Mummy take heart… I-”

“Ah my dear… I’m tired of crying, I’ve been crying from day one” i know she means it because her voice is hoarse, Gwen-has-a-cold hoarse.

“How did you hear? Vanessa says to me.

I got in from Yenagoa on Sunday and Hyelni called me.  I let them wonder who Hyelni is.

She started to speak again.. “Sit, sit” -just like Gwen. The same husky tone, the same fragility -might as well have been. Okay, now i would cry. But i didn’t – i couldn’t. not when everyone is calm and accepting.

I find my voice “So it happened on Sunday?”

“Since the 1st” they both respond.

She goes on to tell me how Gwen celebrated her birthday with a lot of people and still struggled with recovery but couldn’t make it through, she was in so much pain. she asked to go.

I almost lose it when she tells me Gwen asked for me. She wanted to ping me. i tell am which hand you wan use?

From the corner of my eye, i notice Suzanna and i go to her.

“Sister Suzy, how are you healing?”

“I’m fine she says, thank God it’s just my legs. God knows why it all happened this way but thank you for coming. Thank you.” I shake my head vigorously and look away.

If everyone in this family could stop thanking me, I just might survive this evening. Can’t they see I didn’t do anything? i wasn’t there.

“I’m here on behalf of my friends, Mummy told me about the arrangements, so I’ll be back here on Thursday and Friday.

“oh really thank you so- i wasn’t listening, i was walking away. not another thank you. ridiculous

Ii go to Mummy and hold her hands again, i have to go now

but you’ll call me abi?

I will. I already took her number from Suzanna.

I walk away from the house a little more than numb. When i get home, i think there is a look on my face because my sister asks, what’s wrong, is it your back?

 

“i went to Gwen’s… ” a tear rolls down. i walk into my room, sit on my bed and the damn breaks free. For 20mins i keep at it, gasping and breathing hard. I cry for Gwen and how she suffered. my sister comes in and comforts me, she wipes tears off and tells me to stop crying , it’ll be okay. “she asked for me”, i tell her. she rubs my back in response.

I cry for her parents and how they accepted God’s will, how they’re healing and hurting, I cry for myself- finally. “I’m sorry I wasn’t there” I whisper… and the tears stop.

“doubt”

The day i died

They said i should have walked on water

the land was infertile and faith was trying

but it was a year of possibilities

and some “Jesus” did it.

I had no time for stories

and zero interest in testing the impossible

“Jesus!” they exclaimed when i told them so

just before I died

FOR 2013

I want to thank you for finding this link always like you always have.  I had two thoughts in 2013, and i expressed them as much as i could- ‘Inside this place’ and ‘Mind Over Matter’. However I’m certain there’s much more inside as far as 2014 is concerned… thank you for always reading and finding this link. #NFnf

Mind Over Matter: Regret

I took my love to the back alleys of V.I.

legs  The front lanes of Allen

Island beaches

And many more buried places

I read that a man found God in a woman’s thighs

So I played temple and set the tone and waited

For God to show up,

for him to find me too-, maybe

Played temple till the house that built me became broken

Broken pieces of memories and hard realities

Realities I ignored I prayed with my thighs open

Open Eyes open

And the pounding is louder than the screams of my conscience

-wait, stop, stop

Stop.

Pleas in my head

Pleas I won’t heed

I must find God

I must find him in my very own thighs

Everybody knew what I didn’t know

Nobody told me what I didn’t know

 God. wasn’t. missing

Mind Over Matter: AGE

domino if you let them, they’ll pull the rug from under you

and not apologise

and  say they did it for you

because he’s too young  plus you can love someone else

someone wiser and by wiser they mean older.

as if the two had much in common

they’ll take your love away and wish you well

if you let them, they’ll put you in a room labelled, “confused”

and keep the key for themselves

and say this is how you must grow

by rules laid out for you, talents peeping through a keyhole

until your age can match your shoe size not before

as if the two had much in common

they’ll crush your  will and say you must earn your seat at the table

if you let them,  they’ll keep the shade above your eyes

and lead you away from your dreams

and stop you because it’s unheard

no one talks of such things, no one speaks this way

imagination must be with the rules

as if the two had much in common

they’ll watch you grow old without your fire and  say you should’ve done it anyway

Mind Over Matter: SHAME

We are not going to tell our story today

hiding1Not today

When it’s shining bright

With our sins on full display

They ask who taught us to love

To hide behind innocence

and love wetly and painfully

We were schooled in the redemption

Of never being awake or able to see

At least not long enough to matter

Or be forgiven

So , no stories today

Not for this open-heart surgery

We will wait till it rains

When it’s dark

When you can’t tell who we really are

Only then behind the visor

With beads clenched in our hands

Only then will we confess.

For Empathy

 

I mourned your loss on an open field of tears and restriction

I mourned the consequences

From the grave of childhood, laughter and love,

If you won’t come back, I’ll mourn you tomorrow

And case sunshine to be the evidence of dried up things

The way I mourned you dead like crisp summer leaves

And raw wounds on my scraped knees

Like 8 years old when I ran from decisions

I mourned your loss in avid temper

With hoarseness of my voice

Hymns hummed to silence

Harp strummed to useless

So I bury you now

In a cave of yesterdays and cascade of dreams before

But will you come back in 3 years- 3 days?

With the stench of who you were yesterday

Clinging to the violence that alters me

To be certain I’ll bury you half-way in

Part of me wishes you’d come out

And allow me to try again

Instead of walking away with my heart under your arm

Crushing what’s left in every step you take

I’m still mourning

Silently

No one should know

No one should hear

The sobs clinging to me echo a shroud of loneliness

I let it free and wild even as I remember

That beautiful girls don’t cry pretty.

Inside This Place: Unsilenced

I don’t want to deal

I never screamed

Never told

Only cried, then stopped crying

I Held myself silent in a nightmareLove_Isn__t_Stiff__It__s_Alive_by_dreams_burst_forth

Full of confessions and replays that

I don’t know how to be without

Blurring the line till I am guilty of being a victim

“Don’t find me”

Somewhere between ripped clothes and shame

I lost myself

Being the broken soul that smiled forever

Openly hidden

In layers of skin, humor and clothes

‘Nobody must find me”

How many times did I call you names?

How many times did I ask to be free before I had learned to stop asking?

Before I mindlessly knew not to bother

To be still and know that god could be a man

Finally learning that tears and spilled milk had no relationship

was the basis of my silence

a beginning for the subtle romance between me and shadows

“Keep my head down, nobody will find me”

But you did

A fate I accepted on a faith that is attuned to skeptics alone

yet I can’t stay not knowing

if it’s time

time to find my pieces

time to wake up this catatonic life

I have all too willingly accepted

A name tag for dogs and a mascot for people who hold the applause

I choose you above my pain

I’m ready to tell you how I became

Just before you found me

But first, we must love so I can live

If I said no before…

Touch me now, again

It’s how I looked at you

and the world exploded into diamond pieces

so I heard every sound

buried in this grave adorned in hate and pain

Touch me again

Because I could not

You screamed for me

If you’d touch me this time

I won’t morph or tell a story

I’ll rent the robes that shadow my voice

I’ll scream differently if you touch me right

You see, I give myself to something other than pain

Stronger than love

Stranger than fiction

so

I recover with you

 

 

 

 

 

THE END. Thank you for reading. This is a series; titled “Inside this place”…  a girl’s journey through abuse, please refer to Inside This Place: The Penultimate to read how it begins.